Dear friends,
Most mornings I walk out barefoot to stand in the garden and feel. It invites me into the state of receptivity I aspire to live with and reminds me that I exist within a web of all things. In the last few weeks I have felt the Earth waking up from her winter sleep: the light returning, buds forming, the sun a little more golden.
An honouring of the first rumblings of Spring is deeply embedded in many cultures. On February 1st, the Celtic tradition of Imbolc reminded us of the potential for rebirth. A few days later, the Kabbalistic festival of Tu BiShvat celebrated the birthday of trees. Kabbalists suggest that we each possess a divine spark, like a luminous seed within, hidden beneath layers yet longing to germinate.
I have been reflecting on this relationship between our divine spark and that which hides it, since the beginning of the year. Noticing how this hiding informs our primary relationship towards ourselves, which in turn directly impacts the way we relate to each other and the world. We call this shame. Very quickly, we become ashamed of shame too, which means we start to hide inside it and act as if its stories were true. We deny, disprove or drown inside it, rather than turning towards it with the love it so longs for.
One reason for our tendency to hide inside shame, may be because the stories it tells us about ourselves have unbearable implications: ‘I am not OK. I don’t belong. I’m unimportant. I’m always wrong. I’m unlovable. I’m not enough’. Imagine incarnating as something that is inherently unlovable?
Another reason may be because some common coping mechanisms for living inside shame include diffidence, arrogance and narcissism. Since many of us have experienced or witnessed the violence they leave in their wake, we are less likely to want to admit their presence in ourselves. But until we find and forgive the parts of us that strive to be right and long to be special, it’s hard to embody the compassion and humility so needed in this world for our collective healing. And until we find and forgive the parts of us which hide behind beliefs of inadequacy, it’s hard to embody the full brightness of our light.
What if this light is the spark already here, lying deep within us? And what if the stories of not-enough which we layer over this spark are not a mistake, but the very invitation for growth it requires? What if, when we are able to anchor ourselves in the safety of sacred presence, we turn towards these stories, and in turning towards, grow in our capacity to love?
Like the seed deep underground which responds to the invitation of the warming wet soil by extending still deeper into the Earth whilst reaching up into unknown realms above it. Following only a mysterious knowing in its heart of a most extraordinary blossoming.
This has been my practice, so far this year: to recognise the naturalness of shame. To recognise, too, that shame stories are not only personal, but collective, ancestral and inherited. Which means two things. That it is not our fault when shame arises, yet it is our responsibility to recognise, embrace and resolve it. So that we no longer pass it on.
The terms diffidence, arrogance and narcissism are so loaded with negativity, that it can be more helpful to reflect beyond labels when it comes to noticing our own tendencies and behaviours. Since shame leads to a fragile sense of self, one of the places that we can lovingly turn our attention is in noticing our reactions to perceived criticism or rejection. This is a tender inquiry, kind and gentle, brimming with the willingness to forgive (and perhaps even smile).
How do you react when you feel criticised or rejected?
Do you tend to collapse inside yourself and try to please, escape or hide? Do you tend to withdraw and become defended? Do you tend to turn the perceived criticism around into an attack? Do you tend to use your cleverness or empathic sensitivity to criticise the object of threat in return? Do you tend to believe that this is someone else’s fault? Do you tend to believe that this is your fault?
What would happen if you released the story of wrongness or blame entirely, and simply felt the wounded part within, with so much love?
It is here, when we relax the story, come into the body, breathe and feel, that transformation lies. Whereas shame’s narratives might appear unbearable, no emotion is ever too much to bear. In the body, here and now, there is nothing which cannot be held with love.
There is something still more profound which arises when we shift our attention from the stories to the emotions behind them. When we allow our feelings to be held in loving presence - to be sacred - we actually experience the very thing we have been longing for. Being seen and held, being loved and lovable, being important and having value, being enough and belonging, just as we are. All in the arms of our own loving attention. As the suppressed or embellished emotions beneath stories of not enough are finally allowed to flow and release, what remains over time is simply the atmosphere of curiosity and care with which we attended to them.
Within that field of sacredness, instead of searching for wholeness outside of ourselves, the felt sense and experience of being OK gently grows and blossoms in its own time, from the inside.
Workshop
I will be holding a workshop on February 25th from 1.30-4.30pm at Love Supreme Projects where we will explore this together. Most of our time will be spent practising yoga and meditation to connect to the sacredness of the body, the breath and the web of all things. From this place of connection and remembrance, we will then look within to gently discover where we tend to forget who we really are. Releasing the story of lack and loss, we will support each other to feel the pain behind its illusion instead. And in loving that pain, we will feel a taste of the inherent wholeness of all things. We will come home.
The workshop is here and you can book here.
Retreats
On retreat we follow a similar thread over 5 or 6 days, connecting more deeply with the land and each other as we spiral ever more joyfully into sacred relationship. This year’s retreats are in Devon from May 20-26 and in France from October 9-15. Spaces are filling up, so if you would like to come, read more here or email me for more information.
I look forward to hearing from you - and to seeing many of you very soon!
Sacred Relationship
Ayala, you have such a wonderful gift to express and describe the internal environment. I am always in awe when reading your texts. Miss the classes I was able to take with you back in London. Now in NYC I still haven’t found my spiritual inspiration. I am guessing there is no way to join you online, is there? Still aiming for a retreat with you one day. Sending love and light from overseas, Kristin (@thepocketashram)
This is beautiful. And thank you for the reminder to return to, and to hold, the felt sense of our emotions. I am so good at spinning out on the stories of what happened/who did what etc. that I can easily forget to turn inwards & be with the feelings, even though I know how valuable a practice it is! ❤️